jackiesavicannon's Cancer Blog
January 6, 2010
For those of you that have read EAT LOVE PRAY by Elizabeth Gilbert you will know what I am referring to. Since being diagnosed in 2006, I feel I have traveled a surreal path that has tested my resolve; crushed and inspired me; and provided me with pain and bliss simultaneously. As Cancer survivors we struggle with longing for our ‘old’ life back. I have struggled with this in different ways. As much as there are parts that I ABSOLUTELY hate about cancer treatment, I have managed to experience some of the best times of my life.
This was the first Christmas in a long time where I wasn’t being accommodated because of some treatment related issue. Last year I was recovering from my hysterectomy. Even though I can say with complete honesty that I am so grateful for how much I have grown from my experience and treasure this new place I am in, I have realized I was still running from something. 2009 allowed me to focus on my career fully again but I somehow couldn’t get a handle on my lifestyle choices. I would commit one minute and then sabotage myself the next. This is what I do and teach. It was like I was living a double life. There was a part of me that was hiding and didn’t want moments to end. Over the holidays I realized the part of me that needed to hide behind bad practices was still very much afraid and wanting to speed up the recovery process. I was desperate to force my ‘new normal’ to come to life.
I was so focused in creating support and resources for others that I left nothing to support myself. It was a very profound moment as I sat crying on my son’s bed. My inner voice was screaming for me to listen so I had no choice. My focus in 2010 is me. Without my own physical and mental well being, I can not achieve the life that I dream for me and my family, friends and colleagues. I am still scared, overwhelmed and quite frankly would rather have a buzz from a great glass of wine but it is also time for me to grow up in my survivorship. I don’t have to overindulge because I am afraid of what tomorrow may bring. I am living mindfully and with awareness. Milking every moment. This is really the only absolute we have. Every minute we spend angry or worrying about the future or rehashing stuff from our past we can not change, robs us of NOW. Cancer is a powerful force that teaches us to harness the power or our own perception. This is where our life experience lies.
Thank you for taking time to share my thoughts.
Much peace, love and longevity to all of you in 2010.
I am finally leaving the 'Italy' phase of living with Cancer., 
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